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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23593627">I can never leave the past behind</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/sevtacular/pseuds/sevtacular'>sevtacular</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Holby City</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Early Work, F/F, Massage, Remembrance Day</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 08:02:35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,621</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23593627</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/sevtacular/pseuds/sevtacular</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Back when I first joined the Berena fandom I wrote some things. These are those things.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Serena Campbell/Bernie Wolfe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>82</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Attention</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Quarantine means going back and finding all your old Berena fic and dumping it here for people to read at their peril.</p><p>Collection title from Shake It Out by Florence and the Machine.</p><p>This fic was originally published on 11.11.16.</p><p>The poem excerpt is from For the Fallen by Robert Laurence Binyon.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Come on Auntie Serena!" Jason shouted amongst the crowds, his breath clouding in the autumn air before him. Serena smiled and made her way over to him, sighing as they stood at a barrier before the cenotaph. Her phone buzzed in her bag, and she took it out, surprised to see that it was her daughter calling her.<br/>
"Hello! Elinor sweetheart, how are you?"<br/>
"Hiya Mum! Just, um, I'm coming back up today and wondered if I could call round later? You're not busy, right?" Serena rolled her eyes. Elinor was probably after raiding her cupboards for food again.<br/>
"Yes, course, right. But I'm at the Remembrance parade in town with Jason right now so probably won't be back home until around one? The soldiers are due to arrive for the silence at eleven and the last post."<br/>
"Mum, why are you at that?" Elinor sounded confused. "You've never been before."<br/>
"Well, I know, but Jason wanted to and I thought it might be nice. You know, show respect for our soldiers. I hope you've got your poppy on!"<br/>
"Yes, mother. Of course I have my poppy on. I'm not completely disrespectful. Anyway, are these soldiers in uniform?"<br/>
"I expect so, why?"<br/>
"Well then, have fun looking at the eye candy of men in uniforms whilst pretending to be there out of respect for your country and Jason." Serena could practically hear the laugh in her daughter's voice.<br/>
"Elinor!"<br/>
"What? We all know you have a thing for men in uniform! Your last bloke was a police officer for goodness' sake! Anyway, gotta go Mum, enjoy the eye candy!" The line went dead, and Serena rolled her eyes at her daughter's flippancy. The sound of a brass band could be heard, and Jason bounced up and down beside her.<br/>
"They're here, Auntie Serena! They're here!" She smiled. It was good to see her nephew so involved in the community spirit. She watched the military brass band followed by all of the soldiers march past, and the army cadets of the town. Her eyes scanned over their uniforms, and she rolled her eyes. As if she had a thing for uniforms, these men were doing nothing for her. Sometimes, she couldn't believe her daughter's cheek.<br/>
The town hall clock chimed eleven, and a cannon sounded. Everyone around the cenotaph was silent, each lost in their thoughts. Elderly men and women remembering their friends and relatives lost in World War Two. Younger men and women remembering those they had lost to Afghanistan and Iraq. And those like Serena, who, despite not personally knowing anyone lost to war, understood the pain of the situation, and who kept all those lost within their thoughts. Bowing her head for the two minutes, she thought of Bernie, and all those she must have known and lost on the battlefields. And, at the same time, those who she had saved from the brink with her talented hands. Serena imagined that days like this must be hard for Bernie, and as the silence went on, she found herself praying harder that the lost soldiers were at peace now.<br/>
"They shall not grow old, as we that are left grow old." The voice began, and Serena knew that the silence was over. Now, the verse from the famous poem, read at so many remembrance service throughout the country. "Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn." Serena then realised that she recognised the voice. Silky smooth, assured and confident. Her head snapped to the makeshift stage where the microphone was. "At the going down of the sun and in the morning, We will remember them." Major Berenice Wolfe of the Royal Army Medical Corps finished, and everyone repeated the final line. A priest stepped forward to say a prayer, but Serena found her eyes firmly on the Major. The Major. That's definitely what she was, no questioning it. Serena's eyes traced every inch of the dress uniform she wore, trying to commit the reds and blues and whites to memory. Her hair pinned back under her beret, she looked phenomenal. There was no other word for it, Serena thought. Bernie looked incredible. Before her mind wandered to scenarios involving grabbing those wide lapels and pulling the Major forwards towards her, a bugle began to sound, playing the last post. Everyone stood silently whilst the maudlin tune was played. Time seemed to stand still.<br/>
After the last note, the officials on the stage walked to the cenotaph, laying wreaths of poppies in remembrance to those they had lost. Then the soldiers present saluted, and officials drew their swords. Not Bernie, Serena noticed, who just held the sword in its scabbard, due to the fact that she was in the Royal Army Medical Corps, who only had weapons for defence. Serena could feel her face flushing again. Bernie Wolfe. With a sword. In a dress uniform. Goodness. She mentally recalled her daughter's words over the phone and then wanted to slap herself. Not bothered about uniforms, indeed!<br/>
Once the parade was over, Serena walked away from the cenotaph with Jason, who was tugging on her sleeve slightly.<br/>
"Did you see Doctor Bernie, Auntie Serena? Wasn't she smart? She is very good at public speaking." Serena agreed with him, and informed him that Elinor would be stopping by that afternoon, which he took in good grace, she thought.<br/>
Elinor flopped onto the sofa with Serena, her bag now filled with assorted items from Serena's cupboards.<br/>
"So Mum, any hot men in uniform this morning?" She grinned, and Serena rolled her eyes.<br/>
"Elinor, I am not interested in men in uniform!" She laughed awkwardly as her mind replayed images of Major Berenice Wolfe in her dress uniform. No, Serena though, she definitely wasn't interested in men in uniform, but she wasn't averse to a uniform, not at all…<br/>
"Morning! Have a good weekend?" Bernie smiled at Serena as she entered the office on Monday morning, placing a coffee down on Serena's desk. Serena grinned up at her.<br/>
"Oh perfect, thanks. Elinor called round yesterday afternoon to relieve me of most of the contents of my cupboards, but that was fine given that I was still reeling from seeing you in your uniform at the Remembrance Sunday parade." Bernie visibly blushed at the words, ducking her head.<br/>
"I… Uh… I didn't know you were going."<br/>
"Jason wanted to, and I thought it might be nice to show respect to our forces. You suit your formals magnificently, by the way, Major." Bernie coughed.<br/>
"I was hoping that nobody from work would be there if I'm honest. I agreed when they asked me as Holby's highest ranked recently discharged soldier, but I didn't want anyone there. Hoped it would be pretty low-key."<br/>
"Why didn't you want us there?" Bernie looked away again.<br/>
"My, um, uniform…"<br/>
"You looked dashing, Major. Besides, Raf and the others saw you in your uniform when you were first admitted." Serena smiled at her again, and Bernie blushed once more.<br/>
"That's my fatigues. I don't mind them, I'm comfy in them. It's dress uniform I'm more nervous about." Bernie sipped her coffee.<br/>
"Major Berenice Wolfe, if I looked as good as you did in something like that I would wear it more often. However, I haven't seen you in your fatigues, and if you're comfy in them maybe I should come round one evening." Serena leaned forward, delighting in how Bernie's face flashed through a range of emotion, from discomfort to amusement, and then she looked back at Serena, eyes glittering.<br/>
"Well it's some military style discipline you're looking for, Ms Campbell, I'm game if you are." Serena bit her lip to prevent herself from squeaking in delight, especially at the voice Bernie used, positively dripping with lust. She raised an eyebrow.<br/>
"Well, since you're offering, Major."<br/>
"Fatigues?"<br/>
"Tonight?"<br/>
"My place?"<br/>
"Okay."<br/>
Serena spent the rest of her shift in a daze, and between sharing heated looks with Bernie and imagining her in her uniform, Serena managed to message Jason (after Bernie had gone home from her shift with a wink at Serena) to say she would be staying late. And, when the end of the shift came, she practically ran to her car in the knowledge that she certainly would not be forgetting the events which would take place that night.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Fussy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This was originally published on 30.09.16.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The moment she lays her hands on you, you know that you've made the most disastrous yet correct decision you'll possibly ever make. And you've made some momentously stupid decisions throughout your life. Her hands are the most perfect, perfect hands. You know that. The way they twiddle with her necklace when she's particularly nervous or stressed about something. The way they grip the takeaway coffee cups as if they're the only source of hope left in the world. The way they cradle wine glasses like an old friend. The way they're now prodding and pushing your back with all the expertise of a trained professional, and all the sensuality of a dream girlfriend. Wait. Did you just admit that? That's a risky move when she's so close, her hands working their way down your oh-so-sore back, easing all the knots and pain there. You close your eyes.<br/>You sacked your osteopath because you felt paranoid when he put his hands on you. You were sure you would get through this bad back alone. And yet here you are, fully allowing your colleague to practically caress your back into health, without complaining at all. Without feeling paranoid. This fact doesn't escape you, as you try to capture every moment of getting a massage from Serena Campbell. It crosses your mind to hoist mattresses more often, just to get another one of these. You know that when you get home later on, you'll replay this scene piece by piece, and with no restraint on your actions. Here, you can't let Serena know just how much you appreciate this.<br/>She's so close. You can hear her breathing. It seems fast, but maybe it is your heartbeat you can hear, thrumming through your ears. Surely she must have done by now? Her actions are getting you more worked up by the minute. A session with the osteopath wouldn't last this long, for sure. As you savour her squeezing your lower back, her hair brushes past your cheek. All done, she says. Any better? You snap out of your reverie, stand, and smile at both her and how good your back feels. Damn, she's good. And damn, you're even more attracted to her now. Innocent intimacy in the office after hours is something you never got in the army.<br/>You leave the office, thanking her profusely, smiling at her, and she's smiling back. Smiling smiling smiling. Goodness, that woman has quite the smile. And hands. You sigh as you exit, and get into your car.<br/>Admit it, Major Berenice Wolfe, you've fallen hard for Dr Serena Campbell, haven't you?</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Unseen Sparks</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This fic was originally published on 05.11.16.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>This is not how Serena imagined her Bonfire Night to go. When she started out the day, she had imagined getting home from her shift at the hospital by around 6:30, before making and having dinner with Jason, and heading down to the organised fireworks display which was happening at the local park for about 8. Jason was very excited, and she did not want to disappoint her nephew. She herself was very excited for the display, which every year was a colourful delight.<br/>After a long day of treating various burns from people who had stupidly decided to start their celebrations in an early manner, usually with cheap knockoff fireworks which were not safe at all, Serena was not expecting the sight which met her when she walked into her shared office. It had just got dark outside, and she could hear the bangs and pops of fireworks outside the hospital: families who wanted their children to experience the delight of sparklers and rockets before bedtime. And, given away by the coat strewn across the floor, evidently discarded in haste, Bernie Wolfe was cowering underneath her desk, hands above her head and every single one of her muscles tensed. Serena didn't know how to react. A series of bangs were heard from outside the hospital, and the ex-army medic shook. Serena immediately dashed to her, dropping onto her knees (and ignoring the cracks they made). Bernie's eyes were filled with panic.<br/>"Bernie. Bernie! Look at me." Serena shook her arm gently and made eye contact. "Bernie, are you okay?" Serena expected what was happening, but wanted Bernie to tell her herself. Another series of bangs from outside. Bernie looked at her, panicked. Her lips moved but she couldn't get any words out. It was in that moment that Serena knew that Jason was going to have to adapt the plans for the evening. Gently tugging on her co-lead's arms, Serena smiled at her gently. "Come on, Bernie. You're not fit to drive. Come home with me." Bernie's eyes met Serena's. They were filled with panic and another emotion which Serena couldn't place. Eventually, Bernie brought herself out from under the desk, and got her coat on, before leaving with Serena.<br/>Serena thought driving with Jason as a passenger was bad. He couldn't drive, but was very critical of speeds and red lights. But driving with a panicked Bernie was a different situation entirely. At every flash and bang from the fireworks in gardens as they drove along the roads, Serena thought Bernie was dangerously close to taking control of the car and performing an emergency manoeuvre into some poor old couple's front garden. Serena understood why Bernie was so clearly terrified, and considered it a small miracle when she got Bernie through the front door of house safely. Jason appeared.<br/>"Hello Auntie Serena, you're fourteen minutes late. Oh! Hello Dr Bernie. Are you coming to the community bonfire and firework display later too?" Bernie's breathing was erratic, and Serena gently smiled at her nephew.<br/>"Bernie is going to have dinner with us, and then maybe stay over because she doesn't feel very well. I will stay here with her, Jason. You can go to the bonfire by yourself, can't you? It is only in the park down the road. I'm sorry for the change of plan." Jason nodded. He could see how visibly distressed the other woman was.<br/>"Okay Auntie Serena. Get well soon, Dr Bernie."<br/>Throughout the evening meal, Jason chatted excitedly about the mechanics of fireworks and the history of Bonfire Night. Serena kept her eyes on the woman next to her whilst making noises of assent and interest in her nephew's direction. Bernie forced herself to eat the food in front of her, while there was little sound of fireworks outside given that most people in Serena's neighbourhood were waiting for the organised display. After the meal, Jason left the house excitedly, promising to be back home for eleven. Serena turned to Bernie.<br/>"How about a cup of tea?"<br/>They're sat sipping tea in Serena's living room when Bernie finally speaks.<br/>"Thank you." Her voice is strained and rasping. "But I should probably leave."<br/>"You'll do nothing of the sort." Serena responds. "For a start, the organised display starts in five minutes and I can assure you that there are a lot of loud fireworks. You need to stay somewhere safe. Here."<br/>"The memories." Bernie looks at her, eyes searching Serena's for something. Serena doesn't know what it is, or if Bernie finds it, because a loud whistling noise from outside accompanied by a flash of red light which pierces through the curtains leads to the trauma surgeon ducking to the floor. Serena feels her heart ache. What this poor woman must have been through. There's a gap in the noise, and Serena knows that they'll be lighting the fountains now (she's been every year, it's the same company that puts on the spectacular show ever year) which gives her enough time to gently coax Bernie up from halfway underneath the coffee table and lead her upstairs. There, Serena is faced with a choice, and the decision she makes she swears is based entirely upon logic and not upon the unseen sparks she feels shooting inside of her as she tells Bernie what is about to happen.<br/>"Bernie. You're going to stay in my bed tonight, with me. Okay?" Bernie looks at her, her eyes filled once again with panic and something Serena can't place.<br/>"I'll be fine. I'm fine. On the sofa." Another bang from outside and the trauma medic stiffens. Serena can see her counting her breathing pattern, and knows that the woman before her is fighting a losing battle to control her demons.<br/>"Bernie. You're clearly going to struggle sleeping tonight as it is, and the spare room is at the back of the house, closest to where the display is. Come on, I don't bite, I promise." Bernie makes a strangled gulp at that, and Serena feels her face flush, and before she can help herself, the flirtatious quip slips off her tongue. "Well, I don't bite usually." More unseen sparks, hotter than any firework, shoot around her core. She tries to ignore them.<br/>What should have been an awkward process is made less so by the loud booms from outside again, which find Bernie running into the en-suite, and Serena following after, opening the door a crack and slipping an old t-shirt through the gap. When Bernie emerges in another break from the noise, Serena is already tucked into her bed, and the emotionally exhausted army medic falls onto the mattress beside her, pulling the oh-soft sheets around her chin.<br/>Serena should be annoyed. She's missing one of the highlights of her year. Instead, she's sat staring at the ceiling, knowing that the woman beside her is doing the same. A series of loud cracks one right after the other. One of those fifty shot rapid-fire firework cannons, most likely, Serena thinks. Bernie clearly thinks differently, thinks the sound is something else she remembers from her past, because the noise which leaves her throat is the most painful sound Serena has ever heard in her life (and she has heard a lot of painful sounds, working on AAU). Bernie is physically shaking beneath the covers, and Serena slips down with her, letting the darkness enclose them. She reaches out and strokes Bernie's back, the unseen sparks in her stomach fizzling out and being replaced by concern for the woman so desperately scared beside her. Bernie relaxes into the touch, and her soft sobs can be heard amongst the rest of the noise of the evening. Serena doesn't mention them, and instead continues so soothe Bernie as best she can with her hands, stroking her back and her hair and whispering comforting words to her.<br/>Finally, finally, the fireworks stop, and Serena never thought she would be grateful for the firework display to end. She hears Jason crash in, and shouts goodnight to him through the door. Then she turns back to Bernie, who has fallen into some form of slumber, clearly worn out. Serena allows herself to fall asleep with Bernie beside her.<br/>Serena is pulled from her sleep by a choked wail, and she soon realises that the woman beside her is stuck in a nightmarish world of dreams. Serena wonders how many times this has happened, how little sleep Bernie runs on. Bonfire Night probably hadn't helped. Serena leans into her, gently pulls her from the darkness of her head, and pulls Bernie to her, rubbing her back comfortingly as the army medic's breathing slowly returns to normal. The third time it happens, sometime creeping towards three in the morning, Bernie manages to gasp a strangled thank you into Serena's neck. Serena feels a couple of tears slip from her eyes as the monumental scale of Bernie's pain hits her. Bernie isn't just scarred physically, Serena realises. No, the scars on her skin are shallow compared to the deep ones running through her mind, all the way to every war zone Bernie has ever been to and back. As the trauma surgeon drifts back into unconsciousness, Serena plants a soft kiss to her temple. She wants nothing more than to care for this woman until she no longer feels the pain she currently does.<br/>Serena wakes next morning with a weight on her chest. Quite literally. Sometime between the last nightmare and dawn, Bernie has planted herself across Serena, her hand on her waist and her cheek on her collarbone. Serena smiles at the feeling of Bernie's hair against her skin. Never before has she seen her big macho army medic look so vulnerable. Serena likes this new side to her. Serena never thought she would ever wake with anyone in her arms, besides Elinor when she was very little. She could get used to this, she thinks. She wants to wake up next to Bernie every morning, wants to chase away her night time fears. The woman stirs in her arms, and presses a kiss on Serena's neck. Serena freezes slightly, then sees those beautiful eyes staring up at her from underneath a mussed fringe, and smiles.<br/>"Good morning," she whispers.<br/>"Morning yourself." Bernie replies.<br/>And neither of them will ever admit to initiating it, will always claim it was a joint manoeuvre which set them on the path they will walk and stumble upon in the future: two pairs of lips are pressed together, eyes closing in satisfaction as something feels right between them, and those unseen sparks return to the stomachs of them both. Those unseen sparks which they will continue to feel for as long as they are together.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>If you read all of these then well done. I like to think I've got better since these were written. I hope you do too.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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